My wife and I recently joined a new small group at our church for the first time after leading one for about seven years. I would be lying if I said we weren’t at least a little nervous about joining a new group, even if we knew plenty of people going in!
Building trust in a new group can be difficult, even (or perhaps especially) if there is familiarity among members because of the vulnerability that comes with a small group environment. A new church small group full of friends or acquaintances can be intimidating because, though you may be friendly with the members, you haven’t maybe discussed the deepest, most vulnerable parts of your life with those people.
So if vulnerability and intimacy is going to happen, the group needs to build trust. It ultimately falls on the leader to set the tone here, but of course it requires cooperation with all in the group.
Here are five ways to build trust in a new small group. This list is not meant to be exhaustive, but it could serve as a good starting point for you.
1. Lead by example.
Trust tends to be reciprocal. It could be said that a group will only ever be as open and vulnerable as its leader. Small group leaders, by practicing real and regular vulnerability, pave the way for other small group members to do the same. Someone has to go first, take on the most “risk” by being vulnerable in a group that is still building trust. This is, perhaps, the purest work of small group leadership.
The leader needs to be able to say to others in the group, “Come on in, the water’s fine!” And in order to do that, the group leader needs to step into the waters of vulnerability and trust first.
2. Establish an expectation of confidentiality.
People cannot and will not be honest if they fear their words and wounds will leave the group. Of course trusting that members of the group will not gossip about conversations within the group with people outside of the group takes time. It takes having hard conversations about pain, or suffering, or other vulnerable topics, and not seeing those conversations leak out. But before that trust can be built, it is important for the leader to establish an expectation of confidentiality. (This is why the Rooted Covenant exists.)
How might a leader do this? It would be wise for the small group leader to explain what confidentiality is, why it is important, and how to maintain confidentiality at the first group meeting. This way, everyone is on the same page about the expectations for the group, and there can be no misunderstandings about what confidentiality is or isn’t. Some Christians have a habit of not openly “gossiping” about people in their group, but also not keeping group conversations secret, either—sometimes this takes the form of “prayer requests” that share sensitive information about others without their permission. By clearly explaining what confidentiality means at the first group meeting, the group leader can lay a foundation on which trust can be built moving forward.
3. Show up consistently and follow through.
Listen, trust takes time. A small group is not going to be immediately ready to be completely vulnerable out of the gate because the trust needed to vulnerability comes through consistent, repeated interactions with others who demonstrate they are reliable, kind, and willing to listen. A chaotic group that meets inconsistently, doesn’t follow through on commitments, or struggles to maintain other forms of consistency will struggle to build trust.
The small group leader is wise to establish rhythms of consistency and reliability early on in the group’s meeting. What does this look like? Starting on time every week, remembering the names of group members, taking prayer requests and following up on them, and more.
We find reliable things more trustworthy than unreliable things. We trust our cars when they run well, even if they’re kind of old and ugly. We trust doctors who are on time to their appointments because we implicitly believe this translates to their care. Small group members will find a small group more trustworthy when it is reliable and consistent.
4. Listen more than you teach.
This can be challenging for some small group leaders (like me). The instinct of small group leaders, often, is to fill silence, provide answers, and keep discussion moving however possible. Of course this makes sense, and is totally acceptable, especially because a new group may be full of people a bit hesitant to participate in discussion. But when it comes to the matter of building trust, the leader is wise to do all he or she can to listen more than he or she speaks or teaches.
Trust grows when one feels heard. So if the small group leader can use words to draw people to share, their sharing can lead to greater trust, and thus more sharing down the line. This is a delicate dance, to be sure, but it is an important means of building trust.
5. Get everyone talking, not just the talkers.
Likewise, somewhat related to the previous point, a small group leader may need to navigate not how to shepherd a silent group, but how to keep a few group members from dominating the conversation at every juncture. This can be a tricky dance as well! Trust erodes when just a few members dominate discussion, and the dominant voices can suppress the desire of others to speak up, out of fear of being talked over or because of other concerns.
Small group leaders can help by inviting quieter members to speak up, guarding them from interruption and affirming them in their sharing. Likewise, the leader can pose questions that merit short responses from everyone in the group, which may help quell domineering monologues.
Trust Builds Slowly
Building trust in the small group environment—or really in most environments!—takes time. To use the apt cliché: building trust is a marathon, not a sprint. Trust grows through regular, consistent, positive interactions within a small group that ease members’ anxieties and open them up to vulnerability and honesty. The role of the leader is to have the courage to go first—sharing, being vulnerable, and guarding the fragile, growing trust of the group as it develops in its earliest stages.
